Chapter 5

Sometimes I lie. I lie because it is easier than the truth. It is easier to make something up than run the risk of being judged.
Sometimes I lie because I'm deeply grieving over the loss of my dad that day.
Sometimes I lie because I am afraid of being judged.
Sometimes I lie because it is easier than telling someone I'm having a mini breakdown and I don't know why.
Sometimes I lie because I can't stop crying, and I don't know why.
Sometimes I lie because my heart is racing and all of my focus that day needs to be repeating over and over again "I am okay".
Sometimes I lie because I'm busy trying to silence my irrational thoughts.
Sometimes this is my busy, but people don't understand what this kind of busy is.


And, honestly, I hope there aren't a lot of people in this world that know what this kind of busy is. It is not something we want. It surely isn't something we strive for or want to feel and think the way that we do. But it is "our busy" and I hope one day people will respect this kind of busyness.

Chapter 4

I think Chapter 3 yesterday was a big jumbled up mess. But that is how my head and heart feel lately. I feel just that, most everyday. I try not let to focus on the past, because I know moving forward is the healthiest way to look to. My therapist told me a few months ago that if you are sad, cry your eyes out for 10 minutes and then move along. The same goes for anger. I have noticed since I started doing this, this has helped me focus on what is going on inside of me and why I am feeling the way that I am. If I give myself 10 minutes to just really lose it, sadness, fear, anger, etc. I am in the present moment with those feelings. And in that time I can pinpoint why I'm feeling the way that I am. Not always, but it is important to me that I continue to understand why I am the way that I am. I think part of it was environmental, growing up with loveless, abusive parents with no one to keep any of us safe. And, the other side of the coin is genetics. Yes, we can overcome a lot of things in life and we can change how we react to negative feelings. But there are some things that are hardwired in us, and try as we might, those wires will always be there. We just get to figure out a way to deal with them better than past generations. I'm sure there would be many who would disagree with me but I don't care. I know a lot more about myself than I did 10 years and it's because I have been the one to do the hard work. No one else has done it for me. It helps to have at least one person who loves you unconditionally and knows that they believe your many past chapters and believe in you. That you can gain more understanding, that you can make peace with your past. My life has not gone anything like I thought it would. When I graduated high school I had all of my hopes and dreams right at my fingertips. If I was me back then I never would have made the decisions that have brought me to this point in my life. But the flip side of that coin is, I never would have learned all that I have, and changed myself to be a better person. Everything, happy and sad, has made me me. And I like me. There are still parts of me I don't like. I wish I had more patience. I wish I was more thoughtful. I wish I could speak my words where someone can understand them so I wouldn't have to have someone point out how whatever I was saying came across as cruel or rude, when what I wanted was for it to be kind and helpful. One of the things my dad told me on June 20th, 2018 was: I had already paid for my past and I needed to stop beating myself up because you not forgiving yourself and continuing to beat yourself up for your past will prevent you from moving on to what you need to do in life. The NEED word has really puzzled me. I so wish he would have told me why the world needed me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. And I don't see how or why the world needs me. I am one person. One little girls heart that was shattered into pieces so tiny she is still cleaning up the mess. She is the teenager that is so angry at the world because nothing was ever fair. And now she is the woman that is responsible for making sure her children know they are loved. And making sure her grandsons know they are cherished and adored by their nana. I have heard people from my past tell me they don't understand why I am so family oriented and why it is so important to me to have bonds with my children and grandsons. It is because I never had any of those people in my life. I never knew what it would feel like to be loved unconditionally. I do have a better idea now how it feels but I have yet to find a partner that would be willing and able to love me unconditionally. I don't want to live alone for the rest of my life. I want to have someone that I can be best friends with and laugh and giggle and do fun things with. But that has never happened for me and maybe there is a reason for that. Maybe I'm just not meant to have that kind of love in my life, but I am to show it to others. I have struggled off and on throughout the 22 years my dad has been gone. For whatever reason this particular last year and a half I have had very deep, painful emotions come up with losing my dad. You would think after 22 years it would be easier to forget him and not have him pop up in your everyday life. I was talking to someone one time and he said the longer the person he loved was gone the harder it gets. I thought that was kind of an odd statement, because at that time my dad had been gone 10 years and that statement didn't really resonate inside of me. But, for whatever reason the older I get the more memories come up and the more I miss my dad. People that say they don't need their parents past a certain age are people I don't understand. Maybe those people received all of the love they could handle and that carry's them through the rest of their lives. And then there are people like me, that never received any love or affection from either parent. There is a void inside of me, and no matter what I do to try and fill it, I know deep down it will always be there. As I approach the same age as my dad was when he died I can somewhat imagine (not exactly) how he must have felt. He lost pretty much everything he loved, in such a short amount of time and I honestly can't say I wouldn't do the same thing. You hold on as long as you can, but if you can't you can't. And I don't think there is any shame in that. I think it as a victory for someone in such pain to make it to 49. All I know is I want my dad. And it sucks so bad not being able to call him and cry to him until he tells me that everything will be okay and that he will never leave me until he has to. I know he tried his hardest. I also know that someone doesn't take their lives unless they are in so much pain they don't see a way out. The thing that really sucks about opting that way out is those left behind that never heal. Those scars run deep. Deeper than anything I have experienced. I still keep wishing that he were here. That he was sitting on his green couch the last time I saw him. I close my eyes and I'm there in his living room, sitting on the couch with my dad. He puts his arm around me and tells me to just cry and let everything out because he is not going to stop holding me until I've gotten everything out. And then he tells me that everything is going to be okay, and he tells me how proud he is of me and that he is always a phone call away. I so desperately keep hoping for that hug, yet day after day I never receive it. If I had known on that day that I would never see him again I would have sat with him on his couch. I would have spent time talking about my new baby that I was going to have in August. I did tell him that I was going to find out what the sex was next week and I remember him smiling at me and telling me he was excited for another grandchild. If I had known the pain he was in I never would have left him. I wouldn't have been so busy to pop in and pop out in a matter of minutes. Back then I couldn't deal with my dad. So I didn't. I chose to listen to someone that told me lie after lie after lie about my dad. I deeply regret believing those lies now. We are all going to experience loss in our lives. It is inevitable. I will never say that my life has been the hardest of anyone that has ever lived because it has not. My life could be a whole lot worse than it is right now. I try to remember that each day. I try to remember what it would be like to live in a third world country, or to have gone through the holocaust, or lost family members in a war. There are so many things that are much worse than the life that I have lived. Maybe the universe has given me just enough curve balls to keep me humble and not give me everything I want. I know if my life had been one of ease I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't have the ability to stop and look around me to see who needs a smile, or a compliment, or even just a hug. I also don't think I would be as grateful as I am if I did have everything I wanted. Someday my story will end, and there will be the last chapter I write. But one day I also hope someone reads my words after I'm gone and they have hope that they too can get through life, and whatever it throws at them.

Chapter 3

ghis is going to be a long one. I can feel inside when it's been too long and haven't written in awhile. So here goes. By now, if anyone is actually reading this blog, which my gut says they aren't, the last few months have been one of extreme challenges, wanting to really give up on life, being brought to my knees, thrown into a box, nailed it up and threw me out to sea. That's the best way I can put it because it would be difficult for me to put it any other way. I have dreams at night where I am in this really big hole and I'm at the very bottom of it. So much so that I can only see a glimmer of light. But I hear voices telling me to grab onto the steel link chain. I hear those voices saying "don't give up, you can't give up, you will make it to the top, you just have to keep climbing. I grab hold of the chain and I start pulling my whole body weight up. I have a determined grip on that chain, I fight with everything I've got inside. I make headway and I move up to where I can see the glimmer of light that is waiting there for me. And then, all of a sudden I fall back four or five steps. And I feel defeated and feel as though it's going to be too hard to climb. There is too many heavy things I am carrying and I don't know how to let them go. I want to let them go, but I don't know how to. And it pisses me off if someone tries to give me any advice or judges me for my struggles. If only they could be me, actually be me, for even a day, they would shut their mouths forever and never again judge me. As difficult as these last few months have been I am slowly learning, every gut wrenching, painful step I take, that I am going to make it. I am going to be okay. I am going to get through this, probably with very little people cheering me on, but that is okay. One year from now I will look back on today and will barely recognize the woman I am today. But for today, I am that woman. The woman who struggles with sadness. That wishes her dad were here to wrap me in his arms and telling me I'm doing a great job and kisses me on my forehead and tells me that everything is going to be okay because he right beside me leading the way. If only that were true. If only I could have had one man in this life that loved me unconditionally. That cared more about me than himself. That could see me, really see into my soul, and still love me and want to be with me. Not one. Not one man has ever been able to do that. Yet I know that this isn't my fault. I used to think it was my fault but not anymore. It just so happens that the men in my life have struggled with their own demons. So much so that they were never able to give me what I've most wanted in this life. To be heard, to be understood, to be loved despite my flaws and to be cherished, and last but not least, to stop being judged. I am so tired of people telling me how I should feel or how I should react, or how I should behave....I will never understand why those that love you most are the ones that judge you the most. Like, is that supposed to help me in some way? I try not to judge others because we all have a story and what anyone does or how they deal with their story is up to them. It's not my story and no two people are alike, so how does judging someone and telling them they should "get over it" or "it's in the past so who cares" or the billions of other things people that pretended to love me but didn't really. Hence, my trust issues and my unwillingness to believe that there are very few people that know the real me and love me for my unique personality. I have been so busy the last few months, busier than I think I've ever been in a long time. It mentally wears me down and I live alone so I don't have anyone that comes home so I can talk about my day. But it's good for me to lean on myself and learn that I'm okay no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I know my dad is watching over me and cheering me on. And he better be proud of me for how far I've come in my life. Rather than just sticking my head in the sand I have chosen the harder path. I have chosen to open up those doors that not very many people will. I have chosen to be terrified but do things anyway. I know and have compassion for those with mental illnesses. I know what the dark feels like and how it feels like it is so thick there is no way out. That is one tough warrior, to go through that darkness but hold on, even if they don't know where they are or what they are holding onto. If you allow it, that darkness will swallow you whole, and getting out of that place is damn near impossible. But of course, there are many out there that have not, nor will ever experience the extreme pain those of us feel. But they sure will be the first ones to tell us how we should feel and what we should do. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to be. If you can't make it through the darkness it's okay. You did your best and you are still a hero. You hung in there as long as you could, until you just couldn't take one more second. Now that is a hero. Fighting and hanging on until the bitter end. Anyone that says otherwise obviously has never dealt with their own personal mental illness. Part of me feels cursed for the life I've been given. The other part of me feels so incredibly grateful for the life I've been given. Because I can spot those people out in any crowd. I can feel what they are going through. I know that they need more kindness in their life, or for someone to say, you are amazing, thank you for helping me today. If we all had a little more darkness in our lives this world would be a better place. If we could all feel, even for a day, what someone's day feels like to truly have a mental illness and see if they can make it through the day. Those of us who are and have are the true warriors. We are the strong ones, we are the brave ones. We are the ones that face our demons head on, while others are too scared to travel the road that we know we must travel on. I will never ever turn my back on someone that is truly in that darkness. I know it is my job to help others. It is my job to reach out to others. And I think the experiences I have had in life have brought me to this place of understanding and compassion. They have taught me to help instead of judge. My life has taught me that everyone is doing the best they can. And, my life has taught me firsthand how hard it is to deal with a mental illness. If I hadn't experienced all that I have had to face, and continue to face I wouldn't care to help those that need the most help. No amount of schooling or book reading can help someone. But going through it yourself is what it takes to be of help to someone else. Yes, people can show compassion and sorrow and want to help, but have they ever been through exactly what that other person is going through? Maybe, maybe not. Life has taught me a great deal in 49 years. Like I said, there are parts of me that make it okay when I think of people I've helped because I've gone through such similar situations, and then there is a part of me that hates to feel anything. That hates to feel too deeply and to have emotions that make you feel as though you are going to burst wide open. This journey I am on is difficult, but in the end I know I will be proud of myself. Right now I'm kind of in that place of, what the hell did I just do, and where am I going next. I can't see my next foot holding so I'm just kind of hanging out there, over a rim waiting to figure out how to place my feet in a way that I won't fall. Yes, it is such fun, but really it is not. I just have to keep going, one step at a time, and hope that one day I will so glad that I stared down every single fear I have ever had inside of me and overcome them, one by one. It will happen, just not today.

Chapter 2

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've had some extremely challenging days the last few weeks. It has also been weeks of growth. As much as I like to grow, I don't like the growing pains of going through so much at one time. I've been listening to podcast lately on my way to work. I currently have a two hour commute time. When I was in my 20's and 30's I loved living in big cities. Now I'm rethinking that big time. The latest podcast is called "The Happiness Lab".  Wow!  These pod casts blew my mind and also helped me realize that we as humans can take anything "bad" that we've gone through turn it into a positive. I'm not going to lie. I've been playing the "poor me" game since moving to the south. The last three months I have literally been frozen with fear. There were days I could barely get out of bed because I was certain there was no way I was going to make it through what was "staring right at me". I have always been so afraid in life. I've been afraid to live, I've been afraid to let someone in, I've been afraid of money, not having enough, not able to pay my bills, afraid I was a horrible mom and my kids are going to hate me because I put them through what I did. I've been afraid of life and of living it. The last few years I have tried to face my fears head on. Because I don't want to get to the end of my life and say "wow, you never really lived your life because you were too afraid of all of the variables, which most of the things I worry about never happen. This summer I faced one of the biggest fears ever. I knew I was going to move down here without a home, a job, insurance, and no one to fall back on. I have never lived alone until three months ago. I have never had to rely on just myself. I've always had someone there helping me out. And that is terrifying that I now have come to the realization that no one is going to take care of me but me. I didn't even realize this was a fear I had until I have actually had to do it. I don't have enough faith in myself to actually take care of myself. And I know that sounds so stupid coming from a 40 something woman. But I'll admit it. I'm afraid most all of the time. During one of the podcast I listened to it said to think "I am here and no one or nothing bad is going to happen to you, and you are okay. In this very minute everything is okay. And then a minute passes and you realize that you are still okay and nothing bad has happened from that one minute to now. I have spent so much time being afraid of so many things, and that has taken so much head space, I feel like I've missed out on really living. No matter how scary life is, I need to let go of all of those fears and not let them get the best of me. I think back to all that I've gone through during my life and I have made it through 100 percent. So why do I worry about the future? Why do I think whatever happens in the future I won't be able to handle when I have 100 percent track record. I'm still a work in progress but I'm now trying to find those fears that have kept me from living and learning to sit with that fear. Do you know how uncomfortable that is? And how terrifying it is? It's so hard to do, but this is the only way for me to move forward in my life. If I don't do this now when am I going to do it? If I don't do this now I will always wonder if I could have done everything I've been afraid of doing. I don't want to live with regrets. I don't want to survive life I want to thrive and live my life. I am working on believing that I am worth fighting for. I am worth being happy. I am worth having someone adore me in ways I have never felt. I am working on having more faith that I am indeed a warrior and I always will be one. With all the shit that has been thrown my way, how do I still doubt myself? How is it that I still have such low self esteem. These things are still a mystery. But those of you who know me know how stubborn I am. And I am going to find the answers to these questions. And that is going to unlock the door of a brand new world where I live it with joy and happiness. Where I can be me and be proud to be me. I am taking care of myself and I have made it through the past three months. And I'll make it through the next three months. And the three after that. Right now I am focusing on I am okay, right now I am okay. Nothing bad is happening to me at this very minute. And I'm going to have to keep telling myself I'm okay each minute, especially when my anxiety gets the best of me. I don't know about you, but every fear I have ever had has never come to fruition. Not one. So what does that tell me about living in fear and anxiety? It tells me I'm wasting my time. Time is a precious resource that we should all be using for our greatest good. Because one day we aren't going to have that time back. Not ever again. So I'm doing my best at making every moment count. And as hard as these last three months have been I have also made memories that will stay with me forever. Had I not took that leap of faith I would never have those memories. And this scary journey I've been on is so worth it because those memories I will cherish forever and ever. Love is all that matters. And being with those you love most is really all that matters. To me anyway.

Chapter 1

The only way I have really ever been able to communicate what is going on inside of me or make sense of my feelings is to write. For as long as I can remember I have been writing. My first journal had Holly Hobby on it. I still have it and I hope one day my kids, grand kids, and great grand kids can make fun of their mom and nana. I'm now in my late 40's and writing is still the only way to get "everything" I'm feeling inside out. Some people make art, some people exercise, some people make jewelry or other art with their hands. Some people garden. But I write. I have always had pretty bad anxiety. As I've gotten older it has gotten worse (which really sucks for me). But, writing helps with my anxiety. I don't know how it does but it does. The last few months have been pretty hard for me. I have no idea why. I'm still trying to figure out why. Maybe it is because I had to repress so many feelings before I left that god awful state and moved to create a life I actually liked. Have you ever made a silent decision in your mind that you tell yourself you are going to do whatever it takes to get out of a place you hate? Out of a place that makes you feel insignificant. I did just that. June 22, 2018. I made a promise to myself that one day within the next year I would leave. I knew I didn't have money saved. I knew I was just going to take what I could in my car, and I knew I would literally be starting all over, by myself. For the first time in my life there was no one I could rely on. No one but me. And three months ago I was literally paralyzed with fear. I spent three nights in a place that is almost impossible to have fun when you go. But do you know what I did. I stayed in my room (except for three times) and felt completely and totally paralyzed by my fear. How was I going to do this? I was going back home without a job, a home of my own, hardly anything with me other than my family pictures, vacuum, very little kitchen necessities and ZERO furniture. But I wanted it that way. I wanted to leave my past completely behind, and everything that went with that past. I finally got to my permanent destination and there I went from one home to another home. That was really hard. There is just something about having your own space. Your own place to think your own thoughts and be 100 percent yourself. Finally, after 2 months of not having a place of my own I was able to get a place of my own. This place I'm in never has openings. It is a cute little apartment complex and it is pretty cheap, considering the area I'm living in. It was crazy how this became MY apartment. I had stopped by a few weeks before, to see if they had any openings and the leasing office told me they were booked. I had a feeling to stop by one more time and just ask. The lady told me there was one apartment that was going to be vacant which they were not prepared for. But, there was one girl that was planning on seeing it in the morning. She said if the girl didn't show the apartment was mine. I had little hope that this would work out. Everything else I was looking at was well above my price range. I received a call the following morning letting me know the place was mine if I wanted it. That may not seem like a big deal to anyone reading this, but it was HUGE for me. I finally felt like the universe heard me and knew that I needed just one little sign that things were going to be okay. Like I said, these last three months have pretty much been a miracle because how I'm still here I really don't know.  I've never been one to take a leap straight into an abyss. I didn't think I could do it all by myself. I didn't know if I could live all by myself. I didn't know if I could handle all of the stress that goes along with moving to a different state. I still get scared. Every single day I start thinking about the future and wonder how the rest of my life is going to look like. But I don't really have a choice but to keep going. I know I will look back at this decision and will be so proud of myself for making a decision that terrified me. I don't like feeling fearful. I don't want to live my life in such fear that I never really live because I'm too concerned about good health insurance and making sure I have a paycheck coming in every two weeks. Those are important necessity's but what about living by the people you love most. What about making those important memories that can never be made again. Life is fleeting and I didn't want to be laying on my death bed, with my kids looking at me and me thinking in my mind, how much time did I waste of my life not being involved in theirs just so I could play it safe and not take risks to ensure that each memory I could make with my kids, or my grand kids, was worth more than a paycheck and insurance. It sucks struggling and not knowing how you are going to pay your bills. But I already have so many special memories of these last three months. Little kisses on the mouth, great big hugs. Watching my grandsons play outside. And countless other tiny, tender moments that I never would have had, had I chosen to stay where I was. There are defining moments for each of us. There are moments when we choose another path, that will forever lead us in a different direction. One of my most defining moments in my life so far, (any maybe the most defining moment) was on June 22, 2018. As long as I live, that day is sered into my soul. That was the day that I knew somehow, someway, things were going to work out for me and I would start over. The starting over in your late 40's does suck. But at least I stood up for myself and said "I'm not going to ever have someone say that to me again". I can remember as clear as clear can be. It was a feeling inside. And something inside of me broke. And I knew right then and there that it could never be unbroken. It was severed forever and it was just a matter of time before I didn't care what I would lose when starting over. I've lost a lot in my life. I'm still very anxious most days, to the point where it is debilitating and it's difficult for me to get out of my home.  But you know what I didn't lose? I didn't lose myself. I didn't lose my self respect, and I didn't lose the wonderful, beautiful and compassionate woman I am. Like I said, I have no idea what the next chapters of my life will bring, but at least now I know, I am entirely in charge of writing each and every word of those chapters. I don't have to live like I've lived the last 49 years. It is up to me, and me alone to create a life I want. It is up to me, and me alone to physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually take care of myself. Because no one else is ever going to be there for you like you are going to be for yourself. I am not weak. I am strong. I am not crazy. I have deep emotions like the ocean. I am not a drama queen. I am a queen that has been hurt by others. I am not too taxing to take care of. I am worth being taken care of when I've just had a major surgery and need king and loving words to help me heal. I am not stupid. I am intelligent. I am not a bitch. I am a woman that cares very deeply for this world we live in. I am very sensitive to all of the energies around me and I think that leads into some of my depression. That is why, when I do go out of my home, I make sure to tell a random stranger that I love their hair, or compliment them on their outfit. Or if I see that it is someones first day at work I always let them know how awesome they did and let them know about my nerves when I have first days at new jobs. I look into people's eyes and see their pain and sadness. And I don't like seeing that pain in other people's eyes. I don't like it because I see that same look in my eyes. But most of the world is too busy to stop and try to change. Most people won't ever say they've hurt someone in such a way that they have forever changed that person. Most people are too busy thinking about themselves and not aware of the person next to them. I had to go downtown yesterday and there are a lot of homeless people downtown. After I got out of the building I needed to go to I noticed this man sitting on the ground. He was doing something that I thought looked strange. Me being a woman, I stopped and watched him for a minute or two to see if I needed to turn and take an alternate route back to my car. I watched him and my heart wept for him. He was a man that was sitting there doing repetitive acts over and over and over again. Exact same movements each and every time. I could feel that this man was very sick mentally, but he seemed to be happy, right where he was. Me, I would have died if I was ever homeless. But not him. He just sat their and did the same movements over and over again. As I walked by I looked him straight in his eyes. His eyes are probably the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen staring back at me. He stopped doing whatever it was that he was doing and looked into my eyes. He smiled. I smiled and then I continued my journey to where I needed to get to. How simple is that story? How meaningful is it? To me it was one of the most profound moments in my life. Somehow having someone look right at him I think made him feel visible, even if for one brief moment. And maybe it didn't matter to him at all. But that moment where we both looked straight into one anothers eyes, our souls connected, and I needed that connection and so did he.  He is the beginning of my chapter 1.

Which Way

Which Way do I go?

No one ever tells you haw difficult mid-life can be. No one tells you how empty you feel after your children are gone and moved away. I'm very proud of my children. They have created their own lives and no longer rely on me and that is what I most wanted in life. Even though it is sad and brings me feelings of emptiness I know that was part of the circle of life. You spend your every waking minute (and sometimes every night, all night long) making sure your children have the best possible home life they can have. You try to shower them with all of the love in the world. You try to make sure they are loved far more than anyone or anything else in the world. And your prayer as a mother is that one day they won't need you. The will be off living the lives they want to create. As much as I'd love to go back to those days of running around to four different schools and Parent Teacher Conferences, and having a list of things the kids need to do, activities they have to get to, doctor appointments, and just the general busyness of the mom life, I know that this is how things are meant to be. I would feel like a failure if my kids weren't out of my house and still dependent on me. I never wanted that, yet I miss raising my family. On the other hand I remind myself how fortunate I was to be able to be a stay at home mom. I was there every second of everyday. No one else raised them but me. I was there for the good times and the bad times. I was there to see my children grow up. And that is very rare, especially these days. That is life. You can't always just experience joy and happiness. With that will always come loss and heartbreak. I sit here today and wish and wonder (like that helps at all) what I could have done different. And the truth is, there are very few things I regret. But I will never regret being a mother. And I will never forget being the one to raise them, rather than work on a career. Now here I sit, smack dab in the middle of mid-life. Going through feeling all the feels that come along with no longer having kids to raise. And here I sit, struggling to get through menopause and I'll tell you what. Menopause is a bitch. At least it has been for me. It has changed who I am entirely. My body, my moods, how I think, how I feel, how I act. This is the worst. And I hate it. It leaves me questioning and wondering which way to go. Do I go to the right or to the left? Do I hang in there hoping one day things will get better, or do I allow the darkness to take hold and just submit to all that is within me that is dark and sad and scary. A place where no one can see, or even knows where that place is, except me. I live in it. I breathe it and only I can figure out what to do about my situation. I have been through a fair amount of shit in my life that very few people will ever even believe my story. And I used to be scared to share my story because I have been accused so many times of making things up. I'm learning to overcome that fear. Because if I don't believe my story and share it with the world, no one else is ever going to believe it. I despise those that have chosen not to believe me. I despise those that have hurt me to a point where I don't even want people in my life. I don't know which way to go, but I know I'm not ever going to go anywhere near where those people are.

Starting Over....

Starting over in your late 40's is not what I would call idyllic. I have called it many things over the past three months, but not one of the words I have used were in any way positive. I have felt guilty, small, crazy, out of control, out of my mind, temporary insanity and just plan dumb. I have always struggled with my self worth. This didn't just come out of nowhere. It started from a very early age when I was called many things, but none of those words were positive. And I hate that I've carried on that tradition, even though I'm not that little girl anymore. I want so badly to stop this madness inside my head. I know I am a good person. I know I am intelligent and capable of doing scary and really hard things yet, I seem to have trouble actually believing that I am any of these things. I'm trying so hard to change this about myself and give me the credit I deserve for making it this far in life. No one walks in anyone else's shoes so it is impossible for any of us to ever truly understand another human being. I have felt misunderstood and unloved all of my life. I don't wish to feel this way. I can't just flip a switch and all of a sudden I only think good thoughts about myself and no longer struggle with confidence. If I could blink my eyes and change what and how I feel inside I would have done that 40 plus years ago. I continue to try to not listen to all of those voices that called me stupid, or dumb, or a drama queen, or being accused of lying, when I really wasn't lying at all. This is a part of me that I have to work on everyday. And some days I give into those voices and let myself feel like I'm not worthy or worth anything because, how many people could be wrong about all of the horrible things they have said about me? And then I remember all of the people that have only said good things about me, but somehow I always choose to remember the things in life that have caused me to feel extremely hurt and very unloved. Maybe I'm the only one that has this issue but I hope one day I won't have it. I hope one day I will be able to see myself as those that love me see me. I hope one day I can look back and be proud of everything I've accomplished, and all of the difficult things I have overcome. One thing I do know about myself is I am extremely stubborn and the older I have gotten the more I voice my opinion, even if someone doesn't like it. My stubbornness to not give up on myself is probably the one thing that seems to save me over and over and over again. I may always not think to highly of myself. I might always be too hard on myself. I might never forgive myself for things I shouldn't even feel guilty about. All I know is that I wish I weren't like this, but I am. I am flawed from the inside out. But I am also a woman that never gives up and digs down deep inside to find the strength to overcome the demons I have inside. I am working on myself on a daily basis and I get frustrated with myself that I'm not farther along than where I want to be. But there is one thing I do know. Starting over in my late 40's is one of the most courageous things I have ever done. I have been and still am terrified of how everything is going to come together for me and some days I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days I only see darkness, with nothing to grab onto. Those are my hardest days. One thing is for sure. I am going to look back on this moment in my life and remember that I left a town with what would fit in my car, left everything else behind and moved across three states to start over. I did this for a couple of reasons. And one of the biggest reasons I am starting over from scratch is because this terrifies me. And that is exactly what I want to overcome. If I can overcome my fears then I will truly know, to my very core that there won't be anything I cannot do or handle the rest of my life. I want to prove to myself that I am capable of looking my fears dead in the eyes and telling them to go to hell. Because I am realizing I am bigger than my fears. I can and am starting over. And there is a part of me that is very proud of myself for doing something so terrifying. Hopefully someday this might help someone else who is trying to overcome one of their fears. Remember, we are greater than our fears. We are more powerful than our fears. And we sure as hell don't need to let our fears control the rest of our lives. Stop playing it safe and get out in the world and live. It's terrifying, but it it is also exciting and exhilarating. (But still really scary)!