Chapter 4

I think Chapter 3 yesterday was a big jumbled up mess. But that is how my head and heart feel lately. I feel just that, most everyday. I try not let to focus on the past, because I know moving forward is the healthiest way to look to. My therapist told me a few months ago that if you are sad, cry your eyes out for 10 minutes and then move along. The same goes for anger. I have noticed since I started doing this, this has helped me focus on what is going on inside of me and why I am feeling the way that I am. If I give myself 10 minutes to just really lose it, sadness, fear, anger, etc. I am in the present moment with those feelings. And in that time I can pinpoint why I'm feeling the way that I am. Not always, but it is important to me that I continue to understand why I am the way that I am. I think part of it was environmental, growing up with loveless, abusive parents with no one to keep any of us safe. And, the other side of the coin is genetics. Yes, we can overcome a lot of things in life and we can change how we react to negative feelings. But there are some things that are hardwired in us, and try as we might, those wires will always be there. We just get to figure out a way to deal with them better than past generations. I'm sure there would be many who would disagree with me but I don't care. I know a lot more about myself than I did 10 years and it's because I have been the one to do the hard work. No one else has done it for me. It helps to have at least one person who loves you unconditionally and knows that they believe your many past chapters and believe in you. That you can gain more understanding, that you can make peace with your past. My life has not gone anything like I thought it would. When I graduated high school I had all of my hopes and dreams right at my fingertips. If I was me back then I never would have made the decisions that have brought me to this point in my life. But the flip side of that coin is, I never would have learned all that I have, and changed myself to be a better person. Everything, happy and sad, has made me me. And I like me. There are still parts of me I don't like. I wish I had more patience. I wish I was more thoughtful. I wish I could speak my words where someone can understand them so I wouldn't have to have someone point out how whatever I was saying came across as cruel or rude, when what I wanted was for it to be kind and helpful. One of the things my dad told me on June 20th, 2018 was: I had already paid for my past and I needed to stop beating myself up because you not forgiving yourself and continuing to beat yourself up for your past will prevent you from moving on to what you need to do in life. The NEED word has really puzzled me. I so wish he would have told me why the world needed me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. And I don't see how or why the world needs me. I am one person. One little girls heart that was shattered into pieces so tiny she is still cleaning up the mess. She is the teenager that is so angry at the world because nothing was ever fair. And now she is the woman that is responsible for making sure her children know they are loved. And making sure her grandsons know they are cherished and adored by their nana. I have heard people from my past tell me they don't understand why I am so family oriented and why it is so important to me to have bonds with my children and grandsons. It is because I never had any of those people in my life. I never knew what it would feel like to be loved unconditionally. I do have a better idea now how it feels but I have yet to find a partner that would be willing and able to love me unconditionally. I don't want to live alone for the rest of my life. I want to have someone that I can be best friends with and laugh and giggle and do fun things with. But that has never happened for me and maybe there is a reason for that. Maybe I'm just not meant to have that kind of love in my life, but I am to show it to others. I have struggled off and on throughout the 22 years my dad has been gone. For whatever reason this particular last year and a half I have had very deep, painful emotions come up with losing my dad. You would think after 22 years it would be easier to forget him and not have him pop up in your everyday life. I was talking to someone one time and he said the longer the person he loved was gone the harder it gets. I thought that was kind of an odd statement, because at that time my dad had been gone 10 years and that statement didn't really resonate inside of me. But, for whatever reason the older I get the more memories come up and the more I miss my dad. People that say they don't need their parents past a certain age are people I don't understand. Maybe those people received all of the love they could handle and that carry's them through the rest of their lives. And then there are people like me, that never received any love or affection from either parent. There is a void inside of me, and no matter what I do to try and fill it, I know deep down it will always be there. As I approach the same age as my dad was when he died I can somewhat imagine (not exactly) how he must have felt. He lost pretty much everything he loved, in such a short amount of time and I honestly can't say I wouldn't do the same thing. You hold on as long as you can, but if you can't you can't. And I don't think there is any shame in that. I think it as a victory for someone in such pain to make it to 49. All I know is I want my dad. And it sucks so bad not being able to call him and cry to him until he tells me that everything will be okay and that he will never leave me until he has to. I know he tried his hardest. I also know that someone doesn't take their lives unless they are in so much pain they don't see a way out. The thing that really sucks about opting that way out is those left behind that never heal. Those scars run deep. Deeper than anything I have experienced. I still keep wishing that he were here. That he was sitting on his green couch the last time I saw him. I close my eyes and I'm there in his living room, sitting on the couch with my dad. He puts his arm around me and tells me to just cry and let everything out because he is not going to stop holding me until I've gotten everything out. And then he tells me that everything is going to be okay, and he tells me how proud he is of me and that he is always a phone call away. I so desperately keep hoping for that hug, yet day after day I never receive it. If I had known on that day that I would never see him again I would have sat with him on his couch. I would have spent time talking about my new baby that I was going to have in August. I did tell him that I was going to find out what the sex was next week and I remember him smiling at me and telling me he was excited for another grandchild. If I had known the pain he was in I never would have left him. I wouldn't have been so busy to pop in and pop out in a matter of minutes. Back then I couldn't deal with my dad. So I didn't. I chose to listen to someone that told me lie after lie after lie about my dad. I deeply regret believing those lies now. We are all going to experience loss in our lives. It is inevitable. I will never say that my life has been the hardest of anyone that has ever lived because it has not. My life could be a whole lot worse than it is right now. I try to remember that each day. I try to remember what it would be like to live in a third world country, or to have gone through the holocaust, or lost family members in a war. There are so many things that are much worse than the life that I have lived. Maybe the universe has given me just enough curve balls to keep me humble and not give me everything I want. I know if my life had been one of ease I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't have the ability to stop and look around me to see who needs a smile, or a compliment, or even just a hug. I also don't think I would be as grateful as I am if I did have everything I wanted. Someday my story will end, and there will be the last chapter I write. But one day I also hope someone reads my words after I'm gone and they have hope that they too can get through life, and whatever it throws at them.