Chapter 1

The only way I have really ever been able to communicate what is going on inside of me or make sense of my feelings is to write. For as long as I can remember I have been writing. My first journal had Holly Hobby on it. I still have it and I hope one day my kids, grand kids, and great grand kids can make fun of their mom and nana. I'm now in my late 40's and writing is still the only way to get "everything" I'm feeling inside out. Some people make art, some people exercise, some people make jewelry or other art with their hands. Some people garden. But I write. I have always had pretty bad anxiety. As I've gotten older it has gotten worse (which really sucks for me). But, writing helps with my anxiety. I don't know how it does but it does. The last few months have been pretty hard for me. I have no idea why. I'm still trying to figure out why. Maybe it is because I had to repress so many feelings before I left that god awful state and moved to create a life I actually liked. Have you ever made a silent decision in your mind that you tell yourself you are going to do whatever it takes to get out of a place you hate? Out of a place that makes you feel insignificant. I did just that. June 22, 2018. I made a promise to myself that one day within the next year I would leave. I knew I didn't have money saved. I knew I was just going to take what I could in my car, and I knew I would literally be starting all over, by myself. For the first time in my life there was no one I could rely on. No one but me. And three months ago I was literally paralyzed with fear. I spent three nights in a place that is almost impossible to have fun when you go. But do you know what I did. I stayed in my room (except for three times) and felt completely and totally paralyzed by my fear. How was I going to do this? I was going back home without a job, a home of my own, hardly anything with me other than my family pictures, vacuum, very little kitchen necessities and ZERO furniture. But I wanted it that way. I wanted to leave my past completely behind, and everything that went with that past. I finally got to my permanent destination and there I went from one home to another home. That was really hard. There is just something about having your own space. Your own place to think your own thoughts and be 100 percent yourself. Finally, after 2 months of not having a place of my own I was able to get a place of my own. This place I'm in never has openings. It is a cute little apartment complex and it is pretty cheap, considering the area I'm living in. It was crazy how this became MY apartment. I had stopped by a few weeks before, to see if they had any openings and the leasing office told me they were booked. I had a feeling to stop by one more time and just ask. The lady told me there was one apartment that was going to be vacant which they were not prepared for. But, there was one girl that was planning on seeing it in the morning. She said if the girl didn't show the apartment was mine. I had little hope that this would work out. Everything else I was looking at was well above my price range. I received a call the following morning letting me know the place was mine if I wanted it. That may not seem like a big deal to anyone reading this, but it was HUGE for me. I finally felt like the universe heard me and knew that I needed just one little sign that things were going to be okay. Like I said, these last three months have pretty much been a miracle because how I'm still here I really don't know.  I've never been one to take a leap straight into an abyss. I didn't think I could do it all by myself. I didn't know if I could live all by myself. I didn't know if I could handle all of the stress that goes along with moving to a different state. I still get scared. Every single day I start thinking about the future and wonder how the rest of my life is going to look like. But I don't really have a choice but to keep going. I know I will look back at this decision and will be so proud of myself for making a decision that terrified me. I don't like feeling fearful. I don't want to live my life in such fear that I never really live because I'm too concerned about good health insurance and making sure I have a paycheck coming in every two weeks. Those are important necessity's but what about living by the people you love most. What about making those important memories that can never be made again. Life is fleeting and I didn't want to be laying on my death bed, with my kids looking at me and me thinking in my mind, how much time did I waste of my life not being involved in theirs just so I could play it safe and not take risks to ensure that each memory I could make with my kids, or my grand kids, was worth more than a paycheck and insurance. It sucks struggling and not knowing how you are going to pay your bills. But I already have so many special memories of these last three months. Little kisses on the mouth, great big hugs. Watching my grandsons play outside. And countless other tiny, tender moments that I never would have had, had I chosen to stay where I was. There are defining moments for each of us. There are moments when we choose another path, that will forever lead us in a different direction. One of my most defining moments in my life so far, (any maybe the most defining moment) was on June 22, 2018. As long as I live, that day is sered into my soul. That was the day that I knew somehow, someway, things were going to work out for me and I would start over. The starting over in your late 40's does suck. But at least I stood up for myself and said "I'm not going to ever have someone say that to me again". I can remember as clear as clear can be. It was a feeling inside. And something inside of me broke. And I knew right then and there that it could never be unbroken. It was severed forever and it was just a matter of time before I didn't care what I would lose when starting over. I've lost a lot in my life. I'm still very anxious most days, to the point where it is debilitating and it's difficult for me to get out of my home.  But you know what I didn't lose? I didn't lose myself. I didn't lose my self respect, and I didn't lose the wonderful, beautiful and compassionate woman I am. Like I said, I have no idea what the next chapters of my life will bring, but at least now I know, I am entirely in charge of writing each and every word of those chapters. I don't have to live like I've lived the last 49 years. It is up to me, and me alone to create a life I want. It is up to me, and me alone to physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually take care of myself. Because no one else is ever going to be there for you like you are going to be for yourself. I am not weak. I am strong. I am not crazy. I have deep emotions like the ocean. I am not a drama queen. I am a queen that has been hurt by others. I am not too taxing to take care of. I am worth being taken care of when I've just had a major surgery and need king and loving words to help me heal. I am not stupid. I am intelligent. I am not a bitch. I am a woman that cares very deeply for this world we live in. I am very sensitive to all of the energies around me and I think that leads into some of my depression. That is why, when I do go out of my home, I make sure to tell a random stranger that I love their hair, or compliment them on their outfit. Or if I see that it is someones first day at work I always let them know how awesome they did and let them know about my nerves when I have first days at new jobs. I look into people's eyes and see their pain and sadness. And I don't like seeing that pain in other people's eyes. I don't like it because I see that same look in my eyes. But most of the world is too busy to stop and try to change. Most people won't ever say they've hurt someone in such a way that they have forever changed that person. Most people are too busy thinking about themselves and not aware of the person next to them. I had to go downtown yesterday and there are a lot of homeless people downtown. After I got out of the building I needed to go to I noticed this man sitting on the ground. He was doing something that I thought looked strange. Me being a woman, I stopped and watched him for a minute or two to see if I needed to turn and take an alternate route back to my car. I watched him and my heart wept for him. He was a man that was sitting there doing repetitive acts over and over and over again. Exact same movements each and every time. I could feel that this man was very sick mentally, but he seemed to be happy, right where he was. Me, I would have died if I was ever homeless. But not him. He just sat their and did the same movements over and over again. As I walked by I looked him straight in his eyes. His eyes are probably the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen staring back at me. He stopped doing whatever it was that he was doing and looked into my eyes. He smiled. I smiled and then I continued my journey to where I needed to get to. How simple is that story? How meaningful is it? To me it was one of the most profound moments in my life. Somehow having someone look right at him I think made him feel visible, even if for one brief moment. And maybe it didn't matter to him at all. But that moment where we both looked straight into one anothers eyes, our souls connected, and I needed that connection and so did he.  He is the beginning of my chapter 1.