Which Way

Which Way do I go?

No one ever tells you haw difficult mid-life can be. No one tells you how empty you feel after your children are gone and moved away. I'm very proud of my children. They have created their own lives and no longer rely on me and that is what I most wanted in life. Even though it is sad and brings me feelings of emptiness I know that was part of the circle of life. You spend your every waking minute (and sometimes every night, all night long) making sure your children have the best possible home life they can have. You try to shower them with all of the love in the world. You try to make sure they are loved far more than anyone or anything else in the world. And your prayer as a mother is that one day they won't need you. The will be off living the lives they want to create. As much as I'd love to go back to those days of running around to four different schools and Parent Teacher Conferences, and having a list of things the kids need to do, activities they have to get to, doctor appointments, and just the general busyness of the mom life, I know that this is how things are meant to be. I would feel like a failure if my kids weren't out of my house and still dependent on me. I never wanted that, yet I miss raising my family. On the other hand I remind myself how fortunate I was to be able to be a stay at home mom. I was there every second of everyday. No one else raised them but me. I was there for the good times and the bad times. I was there to see my children grow up. And that is very rare, especially these days. That is life. You can't always just experience joy and happiness. With that will always come loss and heartbreak. I sit here today and wish and wonder (like that helps at all) what I could have done different. And the truth is, there are very few things I regret. But I will never regret being a mother. And I will never forget being the one to raise them, rather than work on a career. Now here I sit, smack dab in the middle of mid-life. Going through feeling all the feels that come along with no longer having kids to raise. And here I sit, struggling to get through menopause and I'll tell you what. Menopause is a bitch. At least it has been for me. It has changed who I am entirely. My body, my moods, how I think, how I feel, how I act. This is the worst. And I hate it. It leaves me questioning and wondering which way to go. Do I go to the right or to the left? Do I hang in there hoping one day things will get better, or do I allow the darkness to take hold and just submit to all that is within me that is dark and sad and scary. A place where no one can see, or even knows where that place is, except me. I live in it. I breathe it and only I can figure out what to do about my situation. I have been through a fair amount of shit in my life that very few people will ever even believe my story. And I used to be scared to share my story because I have been accused so many times of making things up. I'm learning to overcome that fear. Because if I don't believe my story and share it with the world, no one else is ever going to believe it. I despise those that have chosen not to believe me. I despise those that have hurt me to a point where I don't even want people in my life. I don't know which way to go, but I know I'm not ever going to go anywhere near where those people are.