Chapter 3

ghis is going to be a long one. I can feel inside when it's been too long and haven't written in awhile. So here goes. By now, if anyone is actually reading this blog, which my gut says they aren't, the last few months have been one of extreme challenges, wanting to really give up on life, being brought to my knees, thrown into a box, nailed it up and threw me out to sea. That's the best way I can put it because it would be difficult for me to put it any other way. I have dreams at night where I am in this really big hole and I'm at the very bottom of it. So much so that I can only see a glimmer of light. But I hear voices telling me to grab onto the steel link chain. I hear those voices saying "don't give up, you can't give up, you will make it to the top, you just have to keep climbing. I grab hold of the chain and I start pulling my whole body weight up. I have a determined grip on that chain, I fight with everything I've got inside. I make headway and I move up to where I can see the glimmer of light that is waiting there for me. And then, all of a sudden I fall back four or five steps. And I feel defeated and feel as though it's going to be too hard to climb. There is too many heavy things I am carrying and I don't know how to let them go. I want to let them go, but I don't know how to. And it pisses me off if someone tries to give me any advice or judges me for my struggles. If only they could be me, actually be me, for even a day, they would shut their mouths forever and never again judge me. As difficult as these last few months have been I am slowly learning, every gut wrenching, painful step I take, that I am going to make it. I am going to be okay. I am going to get through this, probably with very little people cheering me on, but that is okay. One year from now I will look back on today and will barely recognize the woman I am today. But for today, I am that woman. The woman who struggles with sadness. That wishes her dad were here to wrap me in his arms and telling me I'm doing a great job and kisses me on my forehead and tells me that everything is going to be okay because he right beside me leading the way. If only that were true. If only I could have had one man in this life that loved me unconditionally. That cared more about me than himself. That could see me, really see into my soul, and still love me and want to be with me. Not one. Not one man has ever been able to do that. Yet I know that this isn't my fault. I used to think it was my fault but not anymore. It just so happens that the men in my life have struggled with their own demons. So much so that they were never able to give me what I've most wanted in this life. To be heard, to be understood, to be loved despite my flaws and to be cherished, and last but not least, to stop being judged. I am so tired of people telling me how I should feel or how I should react, or how I should behave....I will never understand why those that love you most are the ones that judge you the most. Like, is that supposed to help me in some way? I try not to judge others because we all have a story and what anyone does or how they deal with their story is up to them. It's not my story and no two people are alike, so how does judging someone and telling them they should "get over it" or "it's in the past so who cares" or the billions of other things people that pretended to love me but didn't really. Hence, my trust issues and my unwillingness to believe that there are very few people that know the real me and love me for my unique personality. I have been so busy the last few months, busier than I think I've ever been in a long time. It mentally wears me down and I live alone so I don't have anyone that comes home so I can talk about my day. But it's good for me to lean on myself and learn that I'm okay no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I know my dad is watching over me and cheering me on. And he better be proud of me for how far I've come in my life. Rather than just sticking my head in the sand I have chosen the harder path. I have chosen to open up those doors that not very many people will. I have chosen to be terrified but do things anyway. I know and have compassion for those with mental illnesses. I know what the dark feels like and how it feels like it is so thick there is no way out. That is one tough warrior, to go through that darkness but hold on, even if they don't know where they are or what they are holding onto. If you allow it, that darkness will swallow you whole, and getting out of that place is damn near impossible. But of course, there are many out there that have not, nor will ever experience the extreme pain those of us feel. But they sure will be the first ones to tell us how we should feel and what we should do. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to be. If you can't make it through the darkness it's okay. You did your best and you are still a hero. You hung in there as long as you could, until you just couldn't take one more second. Now that is a hero. Fighting and hanging on until the bitter end. Anyone that says otherwise obviously has never dealt with their own personal mental illness. Part of me feels cursed for the life I've been given. The other part of me feels so incredibly grateful for the life I've been given. Because I can spot those people out in any crowd. I can feel what they are going through. I know that they need more kindness in their life, or for someone to say, you are amazing, thank you for helping me today. If we all had a little more darkness in our lives this world would be a better place. If we could all feel, even for a day, what someone's day feels like to truly have a mental illness and see if they can make it through the day. Those of us who are and have are the true warriors. We are the strong ones, we are the brave ones. We are the ones that face our demons head on, while others are too scared to travel the road that we know we must travel on. I will never ever turn my back on someone that is truly in that darkness. I know it is my job to help others. It is my job to reach out to others. And I think the experiences I have had in life have brought me to this place of understanding and compassion. They have taught me to help instead of judge. My life has taught me that everyone is doing the best they can. And, my life has taught me firsthand how hard it is to deal with a mental illness. If I hadn't experienced all that I have had to face, and continue to face I wouldn't care to help those that need the most help. No amount of schooling or book reading can help someone. But going through it yourself is what it takes to be of help to someone else. Yes, people can show compassion and sorrow and want to help, but have they ever been through exactly what that other person is going through? Maybe, maybe not. Life has taught me a great deal in 49 years. Like I said, there are parts of me that make it okay when I think of people I've helped because I've gone through such similar situations, and then there is a part of me that hates to feel anything. That hates to feel too deeply and to have emotions that make you feel as though you are going to burst wide open. This journey I am on is difficult, but in the end I know I will be proud of myself. Right now I'm kind of in that place of, what the hell did I just do, and where am I going next. I can't see my next foot holding so I'm just kind of hanging out there, over a rim waiting to figure out how to place my feet in a way that I won't fall. Yes, it is such fun, but really it is not. I just have to keep going, one step at a time, and hope that one day I will so glad that I stared down every single fear I have ever had inside of me and overcome them, one by one. It will happen, just not today.