Starting Over....

Starting over in your late 40's is not what I would call idyllic. I have called it many things over the past three months, but not one of the words I have used were in any way positive. I have felt guilty, small, crazy, out of control, out of my mind, temporary insanity and just plan dumb. I have always struggled with my self worth. This didn't just come out of nowhere. It started from a very early age when I was called many things, but none of those words were positive. And I hate that I've carried on that tradition, even though I'm not that little girl anymore. I want so badly to stop this madness inside my head. I know I am a good person. I know I am intelligent and capable of doing scary and really hard things yet, I seem to have trouble actually believing that I am any of these things. I'm trying so hard to change this about myself and give me the credit I deserve for making it this far in life. No one walks in anyone else's shoes so it is impossible for any of us to ever truly understand another human being. I have felt misunderstood and unloved all of my life. I don't wish to feel this way. I can't just flip a switch and all of a sudden I only think good thoughts about myself and no longer struggle with confidence. If I could blink my eyes and change what and how I feel inside I would have done that 40 plus years ago. I continue to try to not listen to all of those voices that called me stupid, or dumb, or a drama queen, or being accused of lying, when I really wasn't lying at all. This is a part of me that I have to work on everyday. And some days I give into those voices and let myself feel like I'm not worthy or worth anything because, how many people could be wrong about all of the horrible things they have said about me? And then I remember all of the people that have only said good things about me, but somehow I always choose to remember the things in life that have caused me to feel extremely hurt and very unloved. Maybe I'm the only one that has this issue but I hope one day I won't have it. I hope one day I will be able to see myself as those that love me see me. I hope one day I can look back and be proud of everything I've accomplished, and all of the difficult things I have overcome. One thing I do know about myself is I am extremely stubborn and the older I have gotten the more I voice my opinion, even if someone doesn't like it. My stubbornness to not give up on myself is probably the one thing that seems to save me over and over and over again. I may always not think to highly of myself. I might always be too hard on myself. I might never forgive myself for things I shouldn't even feel guilty about. All I know is that I wish I weren't like this, but I am. I am flawed from the inside out. But I am also a woman that never gives up and digs down deep inside to find the strength to overcome the demons I have inside. I am working on myself on a daily basis and I get frustrated with myself that I'm not farther along than where I want to be. But there is one thing I do know. Starting over in my late 40's is one of the most courageous things I have ever done. I have been and still am terrified of how everything is going to come together for me and some days I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days I only see darkness, with nothing to grab onto. Those are my hardest days. One thing is for sure. I am going to look back on this moment in my life and remember that I left a town with what would fit in my car, left everything else behind and moved across three states to start over. I did this for a couple of reasons. And one of the biggest reasons I am starting over from scratch is because this terrifies me. And that is exactly what I want to overcome. If I can overcome my fears then I will truly know, to my very core that there won't be anything I cannot do or handle the rest of my life. I want to prove to myself that I am capable of looking my fears dead in the eyes and telling them to go to hell. Because I am realizing I am bigger than my fears. I can and am starting over. And there is a part of me that is very proud of myself for doing something so terrifying. Hopefully someday this might help someone else who is trying to overcome one of their fears. Remember, we are greater than our fears. We are more powerful than our fears. And we sure as hell don't need to let our fears control the rest of our lives. Stop playing it safe and get out in the world and live. It's terrifying, but it it is also exciting and exhilarating. (But still really scary)!