Chapter 2

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've had some extremely challenging days the last few weeks. It has also been weeks of growth. As much as I like to grow, I don't like the growing pains of going through so much at one time. I've been listening to podcast lately on my way to work. I currently have a two hour commute time. When I was in my 20's and 30's I loved living in big cities. Now I'm rethinking that big time. The latest podcast is called "The Happiness Lab".  Wow!  These pod casts blew my mind and also helped me realize that we as humans can take anything "bad" that we've gone through turn it into a positive. I'm not going to lie. I've been playing the "poor me" game since moving to the south. The last three months I have literally been frozen with fear. There were days I could barely get out of bed because I was certain there was no way I was going to make it through what was "staring right at me". I have always been so afraid in life. I've been afraid to live, I've been afraid to let someone in, I've been afraid of money, not having enough, not able to pay my bills, afraid I was a horrible mom and my kids are going to hate me because I put them through what I did. I've been afraid of life and of living it. The last few years I have tried to face my fears head on. Because I don't want to get to the end of my life and say "wow, you never really lived your life because you were too afraid of all of the variables, which most of the things I worry about never happen. This summer I faced one of the biggest fears ever. I knew I was going to move down here without a home, a job, insurance, and no one to fall back on. I have never lived alone until three months ago. I have never had to rely on just myself. I've always had someone there helping me out. And that is terrifying that I now have come to the realization that no one is going to take care of me but me. I didn't even realize this was a fear I had until I have actually had to do it. I don't have enough faith in myself to actually take care of myself. And I know that sounds so stupid coming from a 40 something woman. But I'll admit it. I'm afraid most all of the time. During one of the podcast I listened to it said to think "I am here and no one or nothing bad is going to happen to you, and you are okay. In this very minute everything is okay. And then a minute passes and you realize that you are still okay and nothing bad has happened from that one minute to now. I have spent so much time being afraid of so many things, and that has taken so much head space, I feel like I've missed out on really living. No matter how scary life is, I need to let go of all of those fears and not let them get the best of me. I think back to all that I've gone through during my life and I have made it through 100 percent. So why do I worry about the future? Why do I think whatever happens in the future I won't be able to handle when I have 100 percent track record. I'm still a work in progress but I'm now trying to find those fears that have kept me from living and learning to sit with that fear. Do you know how uncomfortable that is? And how terrifying it is? It's so hard to do, but this is the only way for me to move forward in my life. If I don't do this now when am I going to do it? If I don't do this now I will always wonder if I could have done everything I've been afraid of doing. I don't want to live with regrets. I don't want to survive life I want to thrive and live my life. I am working on believing that I am worth fighting for. I am worth being happy. I am worth having someone adore me in ways I have never felt. I am working on having more faith that I am indeed a warrior and I always will be one. With all the shit that has been thrown my way, how do I still doubt myself? How is it that I still have such low self esteem. These things are still a mystery. But those of you who know me know how stubborn I am. And I am going to find the answers to these questions. And that is going to unlock the door of a brand new world where I live it with joy and happiness. Where I can be me and be proud to be me. I am taking care of myself and I have made it through the past three months. And I'll make it through the next three months. And the three after that. Right now I am focusing on I am okay, right now I am okay. Nothing bad is happening to me at this very minute. And I'm going to have to keep telling myself I'm okay each minute, especially when my anxiety gets the best of me. I don't know about you, but every fear I have ever had has never come to fruition. Not one. So what does that tell me about living in fear and anxiety? It tells me I'm wasting my time. Time is a precious resource that we should all be using for our greatest good. Because one day we aren't going to have that time back. Not ever again. So I'm doing my best at making every moment count. And as hard as these last three months have been I have also made memories that will stay with me forever. Had I not took that leap of faith I would never have those memories. And this scary journey I've been on is so worth it because those memories I will cherish forever and ever. Love is all that matters. And being with those you love most is really all that matters. To me anyway.