You get to decide

Once upon a time, (we'll say a long time ago) I didn't believe I had any choices in my life. And, when I was a child, I really did not. I did, said, acted, thought and behaved like a good little girl, (from the outside) and I had to keep the whirlwind of explosions going off inside of me at bay. That's hard for a little girl. She h as to say one thing but inside she knows it means something else. She has to constantly try and try to remember all of the lies she has told, not because she wants to lie. She lies to save herself from the monstrosities that could come her way. Growing up is a confusing time for anyone. Learning all the ins and outs of this crazy world. Struggling to figure out who you are, what you want to be when you grow up and who you really even are. When children grow up with severe trauma in their childhood, these children don't get to ponder on these questions. They are too busy being hyper vigilant, constantly looking over their shoulder for the next enemy. To a child living in utter chaos and dysfunction the sky isn't blue to her, even when she hears someone say "the sky is blue", the trauma child waits until her abusers tell her what color they sky is. It would be too risky to have the words "the sky is blue" ever come out of my mouth. When you are living in such a chaotic environment and it is long lasting it turns out to be a difficult process to uncover who you really are. It is difficult to even try to figure out what YOU think because you were always told what to think. It is so scary being in a world that was once filled with chaos and now you are trying to create your own little sanctuary, where you swear that you will never live in a home like that again. It's taken me a long time (and I'm still working on this) understanding that I get to decide how the rest of my life goes. I don't have to listen to anyone if I don't want to. I don't have to be "afraid" of telling the truth. How said is that! I have always been afraid of telling the truth. Shouldn't that be the other way around? Shouldn't people be afraid of telling a lie? And hopefully now you get my point. I was taught telling the truth was bad and lying was good. I didn't even realize that about myself until this year. Everyone (most) would get so upset with me when I would lie (and rightfully so) but I didn't really understand why they would get so upset. Me lying kept me alive when I was growing up. It was a mechanism that I learned as a very little girl to lie and lying meant I would live another day. It's difficult to believe that ever used to be my life. But it did and I need to accept that. I'm not very happy that my childhood still causes a great deal of heartache inside of me. But I try really hard to not ever let that be seen. I don't think anyone will ever understand me and my story so I've given up. I keep my emotions locked up as best as I can. And if things get really bad, I have a few people I can reach out to that I know are not going to judge me. I'm still trying this whole new life of "you get to decide" ................... Those words are kind of scary. I'm not going to lie. It has always been easier for me to think I'm the problem. I'm the one messing things up. I'm the one doing something wrong. But that is not true. Do I make mistakes? Of course I do. But if someone chooses to feel hurt by something I said or did is that my fault? A few years ago I would have said, of course it is. But not anymore. I'm not responsible for other people's feelings. I'm not responsible for any of their decisions. I am responsible for my decisions. There is a whole great big world out there, and for the first time in my life I get to decide how to write the final chapters of my life. I'm taking back all of the pens from anyone who has ever tried to harm me or destroy my spirit. I'm the only one holding the pen now. And I get to learn what this means, to me  : YOU GET TO DECIDE