I am Here

For as long as I can remember I don't recall ever thinking about anything, I other than trying to figure out how to survive. Listening and focusing on the slightest of one octave going higher or lower or, looking at a parent and coming to learn exactly what their body language that meant. And then, me, a shy, timid, terrified girl having to quickly come up with a plan to keep herself safe. Most people that read this may not even believe what I write. And that is okay, because it didn't happen to them. It's not their story to tell. It is mine.  When my last child graduated from high school and moved away my whole world came crashing down on me. This had happened quite a few times in my life, but not like this. Within one day, one instance I was no longer a mom that had kids at home. I remember saying goodbye to my child, knowing he/she would not be there when I came home from work. I made it through my entire workday without crying and as soon as I got out of my building and started heading towards my car the waterworks began and I know that I cried for most of the rest of the evening and night because the next day (never having done this before) I called in sick. My head was pounding, my eyes were bloodshot and my body weight felt so heavy I didn't know how I was going to get out of bed. I felt like this with each of my children moving out, but this is was my last child. My baby. And now I was officially an empty nester. And I had no idea what to do next. And I certainly had no idea it was going to be as hard as it has been. I did some research on empty nesting syndrome and it is a very real thing. It hits some women and others move along as though it wasn't a big deal in their life. If you know me at all (like I know me) if there is a .1 percent chance that I am going to be that person it affects, and the other 99.9 percentage of people just move on to the next phase, I will always be that .1 percent. It's a gift I guess. Actually I have spent many many hours thinking and wondering about why I'm so extra sensitive. It is a curse and a gift. I see others around me going through similar things (like their last child leaving home) and they are out celebrating all night, like it is the greatest thing that ever happened to them. And then there are people like me, who go into this deep depression and mourn the loss of raising her family. Those 28 years of being a full time mom were 28 years of the best parts of my life. Fast forward two years. The sting is gone, coming around full circle fully accepting that having my children leave home is actually a wonderful thing feels good. Right now I'm going through old family photos to get them organized by child, date and year and it's been fun reminiscing of all of the crazy, fun times we had and I wonder if I relished every second I had with my kids. I know the answer to that already. It is a blip in the screen and then a new chapter of life comes swooping in and you are supposed to get behind it and ride the next wave, until the next phase of life comes knocking at your door. I remember when I first became a mom. Right then and there I knew that my only passion and purpose was going to be my family. I wanted to be the one to raise my children. If I brought them into the world I wanted to be there 24/7 for them. And I was. I did it. I accomplished my goal. 28 years I had that full-time job. And the last two years I've been trying to find something as fulfilling to do with my life and so far I'm coming up empty handed. And I keep telling myself, this is crazy. My life cannot just consist of motherhood. What am I supposed to do in this next phase of life. I don't want to just breathe in oxygen until it's my time to go. That just sounds stupid, and like a whole not lot of fun. So here I sit, 2 years later, with all of the time in the world now and wondering what I can do to fill it. I know a few more of my passions, but I'm still trying to figure out how they will fit into this new life that is still unrecognizable to me. Sometimes I feel so alone. I have yet to talk to another woman that has felt like me when their children leave home. I'm really happy my kids are out in the world making lives for themselves. I would rather want that than have all of them still living with me and not being able to live without me. I knew one of the most important jobs I would have to teach my children would be how to live without me. I prayed that I would be able to stay alive until they each reached adulthood. That prayer was answered thank god. My next objective was to make sure that each one of them could and would be able to live without me. That if something were to happen to me I would know that they would be okay.  Being able to see all of them with lives of their own and seeing them work through their own challenges has brought me a great deal of peace. That part of my life is wrapping up and I was successful in completing my goals as a mother. Now.....what to do, what to do. You would think after two plus years I would have the answer to that, but I don't. I'm trying. I really am. I want this next chapter in my life to be about ME. Not in a selfish kind of way, but in a meaningful, I actually lived because I chose to way. Hopefully the answers will come soon and the universe will guide me to my next chapter....and maybe my final chapter. So far all of the chapters in my life have been taking care of, or worrying about someone I love. There has never been any chapters about me. About what I want to do with my life. I have always been worried about someone else. That is probably why I am so tired all of the time. I've realized now that they only person I am in charge of now is myself. I can no longer take responsibility for anyone elses actions or mistakes. I can't make excuses for myself or others. It's my time to be selfish (not in a bad way) and take care of myself. One thing I do know, that the universe keeps whispering to me over and over and over again, is that if I don't start taking care of myself and start doing things for me I won't have a life to worry about. I've never looked at my life is precious, but I get the feeling I better start trying. My only other passions I have now are helping others and writing. I want to figure out a way where I can equally do both. I've never been one to want to gain notoriety or make a lot of money. I care about the people around me. I care about all of the homeless people I see everyday. I care about that person out there that feels like they don't have someone to talk to or that no one understands what they are going through. I don't want another person to ever feel the feelings I have felt. And if could just make a difference in one person's life that would give my life meaning again. My blog is not about trying to get people to find it, read it and talk about it. My blog is for me. Writing has always been my number one form of communication. Verbally I don't seem to be able to communicate very well because people don't seem to understand me just by my words. But when I write I feel a sense of vulnerability that others might be able to relate to. I hope they do. And I hope whoever needs to find my blog will. Because you are not alone, and you never will be, as long as I'm breathing. I am here for all of the broken pieces inside of you. I am here for you with all of the demons you hold inside. I am here for you when no one else understands your story. I am here for you, because I know what it feels like to be all alone. I am here. Don't ever forget that.