This one is coming in hot...(don't read unless you really want to understand how I think)

I recently watched a series on Netflix that got my blood boiling. I could relate on so many terms that it made me physically nauseated. I have been called so many names in my life, I can't even recall. I have yet (but two people in this entire world) who have never wavered. They have believed me and believed in me. A lot of people say I'm such a pessimist and I should let things go. Well I'm not you, so if you think this about me you can go FUCK yourself. Not all women lie. Not all little girls lie. I mean, why the fuck would we lie about getting our innocence taken away from us at such an early age. And what god awful family wouldn't believe this girl when she finally got the guts to tell them. Somehow anything that happens to a woman is our fault. The only people that really "believe" us our other women. Because, only a woman knows exactly how it feels to have their Innocent taken away from them. Scream, debate, yell at me all you want. Women and girls are second class citizens in the U.S. There is not a man alive that has to watch behind their shoulder, or constantly be aware of their surroundings like a woman does. Men think they can do whatever they want to little girls, and grown women. I sincerely wish that men understood what we go through. But they don't. Maybe they do for a day or a week, or, if we are lucky a month, but then they are back to this victim of "you are being a bitch" "I have to walk on eggshells around you" and the excuses are endless. Why? Because they are not women. Because they don't understand that when you have been violated in such a horrific, disgusting way, we are never the same. There is no "changing your attitude". There is no "why are you always so pessimistic"? it's you against the world, and if you are lucky it is you against the few women that believe you unconditionally, instead of shun you and tell you to get over it. It happened over 40 years ago. You're never going to be happy if you're constantly in the past. Or, why do you continue to dwell on the horrible things that have happened to you. Well, sheesh, I guess because it's fun for me, or, I love thinking about all of the shit that so many men have done to me. I love thinking about the oh so many times I have had men abuse me in one way or another. I don't trust men, and I trust very few women. And that is my prerogative. I didn't get to choose how I felt when I was younger because, of course, I was told that no one would believe me. And I fell for it. I think that is the hardest part about forgiving myself. If I had only opened my mouth to someone would I be a different woman today? Would I have been put in a kind and loving home, where I deserved to be? Would I have chosen different men in my life? Ones that weren't abusers. And of course, when a mean if abusing you he doesn't think he is. He thinks he is just trying to help. I have yet to meet a man that understands me or understands why I am so fucking mad most of the time. Yet, I still believe in karma and I believe in trying to help others whenever I can. I think of how much worse my life could be, and I'm grateful for that. But there is no excuse for the men who have betrayed me. There is no excuse for not being there 24/7 for a woman that is so broken she doesn't even know which way is up. Do I trust? I trust very few women? Do I trust a single man? That decision remains to be seen. I hope someday someone proves me wrong and there is one man out there that believes me, doesn't call me names and actually takes the time to get to know the broken parts of me, that even I don't understand. If there is ONE man out there, I would love to meet you. The other ones that I've met can all go to hell. I'm not crazy, I'm not dramatic, I'm not too taxing to take care of. I'm none of these. I am a grown woman with a little girl inside that needs unconditional love from someone that really really sees the me that hurts in places I would never let someone in. I hope one day men have to look over their shoulder, or they are objectified only for their looks. I hope one day men understand what it feels like to be a woman that is so beautiful on the outside but hates herself on the inside. That is my hope.....