Giving Up

Sometimes we can be there for others, and sometimes we can't. Sometimes we have to suck it up and be there for ourselves because ultimately, you are the only that feels all the feelings inside of you. You are the only one that sees and feels what is inside of you. It is so hard for me to be there for myself. It is so easy for me to feel like if I don't have anyone that can see how much I'm hurting I feel so alone. And feeling alone throws me into a tail spin. Right back to that little girl, that teenager, that woman that has always been alone. Maybe that is all my fault. Maybe I just will never really let anyone in, no matter how much they try. I can honestly say I have tried to break down those walls and trust someone but I get tired of "trying". I have never accepted myself because of all of the judgment and criticism I've received in my life. I'm not sure why I choose to continue that pattern of constantly feeling like I'm not enough for anyone, but the pattern continues no matter how hard I try. Maybe I have to continually go through darkness to see and feel with my heart those who are traveling in that same darkness. Maybe I have had the life that I have to make me a better person. I know I have tried to be a good person. I know I get angry at times because of how life has turned out for me. But then I look in the mirror and point my finger straight at me. I am where I am because of me. Not because of anyone else. And I'm the only one that can keep telling myself that someday, somewhere, all of what I've gone through will be worth the immense pain I have felt inside of me for most of my life. I try so hard to help others that I know are going through a difficult time. I know how it feels to be utterly surrounded by darkness and you are trapped in that abyss that no one sees but you. The one thing that I do know is, I have an immense amount of compassion for those that struggle on levels most people will never ever understand. Even though I feel alone I don't want others to feel alone. I do everything I can to help those around me, and often I forget that I need to take care of me too. I'm a big girl. No one is going to come and rescue me from myself. It is just so tiring and painful to be there for myself. I'd much rather spend my life helping others than trying to help myself. I remember not wanting to be around my dad because he had so many problems. It wasn't fun to be around him. And now I understand that he wasn't not fun on purpose. There was something inside of him that he wasn't able to overcome. It is as simple as that. And there are others out there that will never be able to overcome what is inside of them. And that is not selfish, or lazy, or not trying hard enough. That is courageous and strong and beautiful. Not all of us will make it through what life throws at us, but those that don't make it shouldn't be ridiculed. No one truly knows what is going on inside someone else. And no one else has the right to judge how each one of us deal with our struggles. We are all doing the best we can. Some of us are drowning in an ocean and are growing weary of trying to swim to shore. Some of us feel twisted and tied to our past and can't seem to find a way out of it. Some of us buried so deep that the sun never shines where they are. Those people are walking around us, every single day. And there are so few of us that stop and truly try to seek out those that desperately need our help. I don't care who you are. We all put on a facade every day. Because we live in a world where suffering is not okay. We live in a world where if someone is depressed we don't want to be around them. And some of us even get mad at those people because they are not in a good place. We live in a world where we have to be happy and smiling and act like our lives really are great. Because no one want to deal with people that are struggling and wounded. We don't have time for them. We are too busy for sadness, or people that will forever struggle with some form of mental illness because that is just not acceptable and I used to have hope inside that one day we as a society could realize that everyone, at one time or another needs a hug or an, I feel like something is not quite right with you today, I'm here if you want to talk, or I'll sit with you while you cry until there aren't any tears left to cry. For those of us that don't want to hurt anymore, that don't want to deal with a mind that doesn't work right, or just don't want to be different I feel like we have to hang on. No matter how much we hurt inside we have to keep trying to breathe in and out, no matter how painful that is. We just have to. We can't give up the fight. Not until it is our time to leave this realm we exist in. The only thing I can think of is to keep trying to be there for others that are hurting. But I need to remember that I need to be there for myself as well. I need to be there for myself....even if I feel like I don't deserve it.