Eeyore

Eeyore

Does anyone else ever wonder why some people have relatively easy lives.... or is this just something we have created in our mind? We live in a world of social media. Heaven forbid I'we take a picture of ourselves that isn't photo shopped and we make sure people see the exciting things we are doing...all of the places we are traveling to. The latest and greatest styles of clothing, permanent eyebrows, extensions....and of course, the perfect wardrobe, with the perfect house and the perfect children and husband. I stopped social media several months ago. I noticed that I was feeling more and more like crap about myself and thought that my life somehow didn't matter because it was far from perfect. Even blogs today are written to make sure we are "positive" or "bubbly" or "have a positive outlook on life".  Unfortunately (or maybe it is fortunate) I do not have a perfect life. Truth be told, I don't think any of us do. I think we all have demons inside of us that no one wants to share. In this day and age all you hear is "just change your attitude". SERIOUSLY? If it were that easy to just "change my attitude" don't you think I would have done it a long time ago. And there lies the problem of society and social media today. No one wants to read "real". No one wants to read "today I felt really suicidal but I made it through the day. " HELL YEAH!!! You survived another day. No one congratulates you on making it through another day, sometimes just breathing in and out is a huge accomplishment. I'm not typing this to say "poor me I've had a hard life". People that have had hard lives....let's talk about those that made it through the holocaust...of those that didn't but gave it their all. That would be a hella hard life. I'm glad I didn't have to endure what so many of those men, women and children did. But, does this make my problems small?  Does it make my demons somehow not as scary, or difficult to overcome? The answer, in my mind is NO. We all have our own issues. Some people are insecure and have to have a million friends (and let's face it) no one knows a million people. No one knows 1,000 people. I mean really? You have actually had a face to face talk with over 1,000 people? You have actual relationships with 1,000 people? If you do, you are my hero. I just try to get through each day doing the best I can. I don't have time to try to email, message, or talk to 1,000 people everyday, or every month, or even once a year. That sounds so exhausting to me. Now I'm sure there are those of you reading this saying to yourself "but I really do know 1,000 people and I keep in touch with all of them and would say I have some sort of actual relationship with them, not just a virtual one". I say, hats off to you. I'm happy to email or text the people I love more than once a month (besides my children, of course). I'm too busy trying to get my shit together so I can be a better human. I'm too busy looking for those right under my nose that need a "hi" or "you look nice today" or "hey I've been where you are and I'm here to be your friend". Those are the types of relationships that bring meaning and passion in my life. Sometimes saying to a stranger "hey, I love your hair, it looks good on you" helps me to think, maybe, just maybe if I had taken my life earlier that day, that person would have maybe not received that compliment today, and what if that person was hurting equally on the inside, or even worse than I was. I'm tired. I'm so so so tired of trying to figure out this life. I'm tired of smiling behind my tears. I'm tired of pretending that I am okay, when really, on most days I am one big fucking mess. But no one wants to see that. In fact, in the society we live in no one even wants to see one another's pain. If people aren't upbeat and happy most of the time we don't want to get to know them. We don't want to know their story. They don't have time to be around an "Eeyore". Sometimes we just can't seem to take the energy to be so HAPPY ever single day. It literally hurts my brain to even think about that. I don't personally love how much of a hot mess I am. I wish I had my shit together. I wish I had had an amazing childhood with two kind and loving parents. I can wish all day for a different life, but the fact of the matter is, I am more of an Eeyore kind of person and there is only so much I can do about it. The people I don't like being around are the people that stand in constant judgment of me. Who tell me things like "I don't handle situations very well", or "it's taxing being with you".....or whatever they say. Do they say that because they see something in themselves that they see in me? Are they hiding behind their own demons, pretending that they have all of their shit together? Are they real, raw and honest, or do they hide behind making jokes because of their own insecurities. I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I have a curious mind and I think about things like this a lot. Life doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't make sense how some people have to suffer more than others. I wish I knew the answer to that. But today, I'm really proud of myself for getting out of bed and showing up for myself. Even if I really didn't want to.