Oh My.......

Empty Nesting, Hysterectomy and Menopause

oh my......

That's a lot in just two years. In 2017 my youngest child moved out of state and I became an official nest that was empty.  I raised four children and one by one they moved away (and when I say moved away I don't mean two miles from me) out of state. Three states, to be exact. This was something I took pretty hard. I had been "just a mom" raising kids for 28 years. That is all I had known. And that is a choice I happily made. I wanted to be the one to watch them grow and to help them learn all that I could teach them, since I was the one that brought them into the world. In the fall of 2017 I had a lumpectomy, which turned out to not be benign, and then in the summer of 2018 I found out I needed a hysterectomy. This was something that came out of the blue. I was told either have the hysterectomy in the next six weeks or I would end up bleeding out and have to go to the ER and whoever was on call would have to do the surgery, which meant more than likely, I would have a general surgeon take major organs out of my body and that just didn't sound fun to me. So, I scheduled my surgery for Wednesday, June 20th, 2018. I was told I kept my ovaries because they looked healthy and they should get me through another 10 years before I had to go through the (lovely) experience of menopause. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in menopause at 47. Are you kidding me? I was kind of dealing with a lot at the time. And if my plate (and emotions) weren't full enough the universe decided to try to destroy me. I can safely say that menopause has been the worst physical, mental, emotional experience I've ever been through. (And I've been through a lot of shit in my life).

I tried hormone therapy but that seemed to make things worse or, at least not any better. So I am currently not taking anything and my body has absolutely zero hormones running through it. This is the MOST unpleasant thing I have ever experienced. I feel like I have become a totally different person. A person I don't know. I rarely used to cry, like hardly ever. Now I'm crying everyday. I have been suicidal a few times in my life, but not like this. It is a daily struggle right now to stay alive. And then I decided to make life even harder by moving out of state. I thought if I moved to where they lived I would feel better. I thought if I had my grandsons to see everyday that would somehow make me feel better. Right now I am struggling with pretty much everything a person can be struggling with. I lost all of my support from where I came from and now have zero support where I moved to. I feel like since I don't have any hormones running through my crazy body it has made me feel "crazy". I hate this part of my life. I keep hoping that somehow I can find something to level out my moods. So far nothing. It makes me mad to hear other women say "I went through menopause just fine". I want to punch them in the face (not really, because I'm not a violent person and I am happy that there are women that don't have to suffer like I am). I just wish I was one of those people. It's hard living in a body that doesn't feel like it's yours. It sucks. That is the only word I can use to describe it. Right now I feel like there is no end at the light of the tunnel and I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. There has to be more to life than suffering, right? A lot of people tell me to change my mindset and that I'm choosing to be miserable. I would love for those people to take a long, painful walk from the time I was born up until today and see how they feel. To stand in judgment of another person, to me, is one of the ugliest things in that person. I guess they have to judge other people so they don't have to look inward to see their own shit. Maybe they aren't as perfect as they act. Right now I need a brain, a hear and some courage. I pretty much feel like the scarecrow, the tin man and the lion.  All I want to do is go home. Does anyone have some ruby slippers I can borrow????